Daily Limerick
Archives: March 2004

Contains Mature (and immature) Content;If You’re a Minor, Go Away!

 

NOTE: DL has not yet taken the time to put "anchors" into the archives. Translation: You're gonna have to scroll all the way through the long-ass documents (use your "find" commands, squatlicks)!

 

Here's a sample of the Daily Limerick FREE e-mail newsletter! (Now in it's fifth year of "service"!)

NOTE: A limerick is a humorous poem that is generally of a sexual nature. If you are offended by such a thing, please delete this message immediately and realize YOU WILL NOT BE ADDED TO THIS LIST UNLESS YOU SPECIFICALLY ASK TO BE--THIS IS MERELY A SAMPLE!

You'll find a sample limerick below as well as a sample of "Slappin' and Yappin'," our commentary section, of sorts, on our nutty, copiously-corporate-sponsored world! There's also a taste of the "Letters to the Idiot" section! That's right, what began as simply a limerick service is now a full-blown... er, at least a half-blown attempt at a blog and e-newsletter!

So you've spotted that guy or gal who's causing a dance in your pants--but what, oh what can you possibly say to pick him or her up? "You've got more legs than a bucket of chicken" is nice, but it takes a special kind of person to appreciate it--namely, people who don't know English too well. Perhaps you should throw out a LIMERICK! For limericks truly soothe the soul and part the thighs. If that doesn't work, some quotes from "Slappin' and Yappin'" will surely break the ice.

Well, perhaps not. But in any event, you can simply reply to this e-mail and get a free limerick (and "Slappin' and Yappin'")--every day! No, you haven't died and went to heaven! And, no, you haven't died and went to hell either!

Should you not desire a succulent limerick and tender dose of Slappin' and Yappin' delivered to your e-mail box rain or shine (occasionally late, but much more reliable than the Post Office, although that's not saying much) you can simply DO NOTHING. That's right--unless you reply and simply ask for it, you won't receive more! (Although the DAILY LIMERICK is organized a bit like the Post Office, too, so you may accidentally receive more than one of these sample queries.)

Sign-up today! Be the first on your block to have (The) DAILY LIMERICK!

***

DAILY LIMERICK 3/1/2004:

The sequel to lame "Dirty Dancing"

'cross a theater near you's prancing.

For dancing that's dirty,

I prefer the purty

likes of Ms. Hilton gettin'-a lancing.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/1/2004:

Today marks exactly FOUR MONTHS AND 11 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell a co-hort; send in a touching "Daily Limerick Moment"; help my special, home-made "romantic comedy" with Meg Ryan start shooting! Just do SOMETHING, you damn slackers!...

One of today's headlines:

"Job Picture Improving, Economists Say."

Oh my, the déjà vu!

I swear I read that same headline two months ago. And four months ago. And six months ago...

Which reminds me... In college, me and a friend "came up with" the concept of "vuja de."

Oh, and also "Switch and Bait."

Sorta Zen. Without the spirituality. Or the cleverness...

I ended up watching more of the Oscars last night than I ever have.

I must, however, state that I didn't actually sit down and watch the Oscars. My wife flipped back and forth to them and, in between other things, I occasionally watched when I looked up from the Sunday paper.

Still, it was the most I've seen of them.

Now, I knew they were boring. I knew that the majority of the broadcast's contents consist of people we don't know getting thanked.

And I suspected but... I had no idea that Billy Crystal's jokes would be so damn lame...

I must've missed it (perhaps it was in the pre-show, or the pre-pre-show, or the pre-pre-pre-show), but in scanning today's Oscar coverage, I noticed that somebody remarked, "cleavage is back."

Okay, guys. You can go back to being attracted to breasts again...

Real headline from yesterday's paper:

"Stalin-Launched Monster Crabs Eat Their Way Down European Coast."

It seems that... Well, the headline is true. Stalin had these gigantic crabs (3-foot clawspan) bred and, after little consequence for many years, they've somehow started to overtake European coasts, eating everything in their path.

Despite considering myself a non-radical environmentalist, I must admit that I'm excited about the science-fictiony possibilities involved here.

And my humanitarian side is kicking in. Just say the word, and I'll be there to help out. With a bib and, what the hell, I'll even bring my own butter...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Bonnie Mockus.

No, Bonnie. Please don't.

And "Laughing at Strangers So Familiar That You Forget Their Names are Funny" (the feature still in need of a catchy name):

Robin Leach.

Think about it.

His career only exists because of other celebrities.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/2/2004:

Gay marriage erupts 'cross the land;

some cheer; some say, "It's out of hand!"

Just one more occasion

proving that this nation's

new motto's "Divided we stand!"

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/2/2004:

Today marks exactly FOUR MONTHS AND 10 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell a co-hort; send in a touching "Daily Limerick Moment"; help my special, home-made "romantic comedy" with Meg Ryan start shooting! Just do SOMETHING, you damn slackers!...

I came across a reference today to the "American Obesity Association."

So, do they advocate fast food businesses adding a "Super DOOPER Size" to the menu? Boycott Hollywood movies that use "insensitive" language--as in the case of what they feel should have been titled, "My Big Obese Greek Wedding"? Lobby Congress against the passing of any namby-pamby, pro-exercise legislation? Orchestrate celebration proceedings for Star Jones' birthday?

No. They're actually AGAINST obesity. And evidently left a word out of their moniker...

I don't watch a lot of TV.

I don't point it out often, lest I be perceived as one of the Harper's-readin', self-appointed "intellectuals" who seem to tell everybody and their third cousin's plumber about their non-TV-watching credentials. I'm a TV-agnostic not because I feel I'm "above" it, but because I'm striving to be a world-famous, jpeg-of-hot-nude-chick-reader/fan-receiving writer, and that eats up a lot of free time. (Daily Limerick does not help, either.) Plus, few would argue with my assessment of the TV landscape as being 95 percent Crapola. But there are a few shows that I do make a point of watching. But I digress.

And I'm no purist. I do catch a load of "second-hand TV." My wife has a tendency to leave it on, even if she's busying about with errands or reading. Many times, I am even drawn in but, usually, even in sitting on the couch next to her reading or playin' the ol' laptop, I watch on and off. Monitor it, I suppose, as one would a horseplay-prone child.

So perhaps I'm as out-of-it as a Billy Crystal Oscar gag, but I was a little disturbed to note that PBS... Has commercials.

At least in Chicago. At least during a certain show on a certain day at a certain time.

Not their Self Commercials--beggin' for money in between third rate magicians and lounge singers. Full-on, synergy-lustin' advertisements.

Huh?

I... I... Ieeieeiii...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Clyde Peeler.

Meet Clyde Getdafukowtadasun.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/3/2004:

McDonald's has killed Super Sizing

thanks to our nation's Super Thighs-ing.

Hey!--I liked the choices

but self-controlled voices

are drowned out by Big Mother's rising.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/3/2004:

Today marks exactly FOUR MONTHS AND 9 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell a co-hort; send in a touching "Daily Limerick Moment"; help my special, home-made "romantic comedy" with Meg Ryan start shooting! Just do SOMETHING, you damn slackers!...

Concerning today's limerick: There are many, many reasons I prefer Wendy's for all my fast-food needs...

The hubbub of the day: Steroids in Major League Baseball.

I saw: Let 'em run rampant.

Really, this is just another front in the War on Drugs.

Look around you.

Still a hideous failure.

It will present Our Children with less than savory role models?

Kobe Bryant. Pete Rose. O.J. Simpson. Shut the fuck up on that one.

It'll allow modern players to have "an edge" over those of yesterday?

I don't see MLB factoring in facts like, oh, that they used to play fewer games per season, into these fan-(and money-) attracting Roads to New Home Run Records and such. So shut the fuck up on that one, too.

This will make it seem like you don't have to work hard to become a Pro Sports Hero?

Well, folks conveniently aren't mentioning the fact that Nature plays a large role in a pro sports career. (As if a 5-foot kid can practice his nuts off and somehow get into the NBA.)

So it's just the 'roids makin' these athletes into sensations. Uh-huh. And any old couch potato is just gonna down steroids and WHAM! Barry Bonds has competition...

You may have noted that many big cities, including Chicago, are trying to go ahead with lawsuits against the gun industry for... Well, making guns. (A crazy thing for such an industry to do, evidently.) You see, because dealers aren't always vigilant about background checks and stuff, which the government isn't all that vigilant at enforcing, and because people use guns in illegal ways, well... I guess this is another fine opportunity to say, "Thanks, anti-tobacco lawyers!"

So, riding on the heels of the stellar success of the tobacco lawsuits, mayors are suing the gun companies for the crimes of gun dealers and criminals.

You see, there is a crisis in big cities across the nations. The lawyer friends of politicians are almost through spending all that anti-tobacco money...

My newspaper carried the news today that it's official: Chicago will be hosting the Gay Games!

The... What?

The Gay Games, my friends. They're games that... Well, they're open to heterosexuals and all but... They're gay, somehow. Just trust 'em on this...

I'd like to take credit for passing up on a zillion easy jokes on that last one, by the way...

With all the forensic/detective shows on the air today, I just have a question:

Does "good cop, bad cop" even work anymore?...

Fortune cookies should help us men out. I mean, they're just wasting the things with stupid-ass, practically meaningless sayings. So as long as they're killing the rain forest for these "fortunes," why not put in stuff like:

"You're going to blow your man tonight like suckin' a golf ball through a garden hose. Or else."

Just a suggestion.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/4/2004:

My limerick mojo just ain't workin'

feels slimy and small--like a gherkin.

When limericist's block

hits my mental cock

I kick back and give it a jerkin'.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/4/2004:

Today marks exactly FOUR MONTHS AND 8 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell a co-hort; send in a touching "Daily Limerick Moment"; help my special, home-made "romantic comedy" with Meg Ryan start shooting! Just do SOMETHING, you damn slackers!...

Elizabeth Dilling has been penalized $2 million in a Cook County (Chicago) lawsuit for not telling her late son's former lover that the son in question had AIDS, when the girlfriend specifically asked.

I'm not entirely sure how I feel about this one. Of course, this mama pulled a wretched stunt but... Was it really HER responsibility?

Shit. Ya' dub a trend "Big Mother" and it goes and gets all literal on ya'...

I read today that Richard Marx is "back."

I was not aware of this. And kinda wish I still wasn't.

Unfortunately, this led me to recall a Richard Marx song.

Curse you, Richard Marx!...

I also saw Mr. Marx referred to as "The Pride of the North Shore." (Richy-Rich suburbia north of Chicago.)

With pride like that, who needs utter shame?...

Saw a local station promo interspersing clips of various shows. Among them: "The Three Stooges," "I Love Lucy" and "Becker."

Something is terribly wrong in that equation...

I was in the office of this joint today where I do a little monthly newspaper work. There was a new intern, as there often is.

I know that, upon hearing the word "intern," your mind often strays to buxom yet perhaps chubby coeds extra willing to, shall we say, pay a little oral homage? But this intern was male. And wearing an eye patch.

Yup. You read right. Aaargh. Ahoy, matey!

Of course, your first assumption is, "What a poser?" Then, however, you feel guilty, wondering if perhaps he has suffered some hideous eye injury in his past.

I did, eventually learn that he indeed suffered the ol' BB-gun to the eye trick when but a shaver.

But it is an interesting situation to find one's self in.

Seinfeldian, you might say...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Mary Shorterr.

That's really her name. I'm not tellin' tall tales.

And:

Wenche Larson.

Some have craved a serving of her.

And:

Susan Smutler.

Kinda like a butler. But useful in some extra ways.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 3/4/2004:

Blah

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/5/2004:

As new play'rs are named with each finkin'

the Steroid Scandal has me thinkin':

Us regular ol' Joes

may never be heroes--

but at least our baseballs ain't shrinkin'!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/5/2004:

Today marks exactly FOUR MONTHS AND 7 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell a co-hort; send in a touching "Daily Limerick Moment"; help my special, home-made "romantic comedy" with Meg Ryan start shooting! Just do SOMETHING, you damn slackers!...

With all this talk of job-outsourcing overseas, I guess that local outsourcing is a less exciting topic but... You know--Hershey's set to leave Hershey, PA. Fanny May Candies recently leaving Chicago?

Now I read that Jay's Potato Chips is leaving my fine City of Chicago as well.

Unless you're in the Midwest, you may not even know of Jay's. But, to put this with as much sensitivity as I can: Your chips SUCK.

Yup.

Jay's makes the only barbecue-flavored potato chips that I enjoy. They have a... unique flavor, I guess you could say. Unlike others, where it seems that they just splashed a little store-bought, mass-marketed cue sauce on the chips and figured that would do.

A little known fact concerning Jay's: The name was originally "Jap's Potato Chips," as that was really the founder's name, but, well, WWII hit and the name didn't seem so good anymore.

Not because it was offensive to the Japanese. Because it was offensive to everybody else, given the nature of WWII and all.

It'd be kinda like if, in early 2001, there was a company called, "Towel Head's Potato Chips."

Except I don't think anybody has that last name.

And there would be hubbub in both directions, unlike in 1941.

And they probably wouldn't make barbecue-flavored chips quite as tasty as Jay's.

And I still would be having trouble coming up with a witty capper to this nugget.

Enough! Enough I say!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/6/2004:

Chicago will host the Gay Games

but Montreal will do the same.

There's turmoil involved

and that's how 'twas solved...

I'd comment, but concept is lame.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/6/2004:

Today marks exactly FOUR MONTHS AND 6 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell a co-hort; send in a touching "Daily Limerick Moment"; help my special, home-made "romantic comedy" with Meg Ryan start shooting! Just do SOMETHING, you damn slackers!...

Wow! For today's Extra Cheezy Saturday Edition, you even get an Extra Cheezy Limerick! Although it is thought-provoking! Or at least confusion provoking, and confusion is a type of thought...

There is a phenomenon occurring in my condo building not unlike Washington D.C.'s "Everlasting Flame," which commemorates JFK.

Well, illumination is involved, anyway.

One night, I came home and spied a light on down in the storage/laundry/roach breeding facilities. Which isn't out of the ordinary--people without laundry facilities (or needing larger machines) are often at the task late, or sometimes they just forget to turn the light off.

However, the light was flickering on and off, constantly, on this particular night--the fluorescent bulbs, or perhaps just one bulb, was behaving much as bulbs do before going out for good.

Which, again, isn't out of the ordinary.

But I took the time to realize that such flickering, fluorescent lights have a beauty of their own. Of the psychedelic kind, of course. Or perhaps I was just taking the time to procrastinate--but they do hold a sort of beauty, and I could expound upon that at length with literary pulchritude in an attempt to fill a Slappin' and Yappin' on a slow news day, or slow pondering day, or whatever you'd call it as it relates to S&Y.

This was weeks ago.

The light(s) still flicker.

Taking a long time for the bulb to finally burn out or... Is something more sinister or supernatural involved?

So I'll end this in a Fox Newsy kinda way with: I report. You be the judge.

I even have the largely transparent hidden agenda! (Although mine's just wasting e-space.)

 

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 3/7/2004:

Bush ran a 9-1-1-themed ad

(if nothin' else, the guy's got nads).

The ad should cut then

to his Saudi friends

and George shakin' their oil-rich hands.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/7/2004:

Today marks exactly FOUR MONTHS AND 5 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell a friend; send in a touching "Daily Limerick Moment"; help my special, home-made "romantic comedy" with Meg Ryan start shooting! Just do SOMETHING, you damn slackers!...

Man! Are our, ahem, copy editors and fact checkers asleep at the wheel!

It all started when I wanted to unless fanfare and/or hoopla concerning DL's upcoming (July 12, 2004) Five-Year Anniversary! I figured that, at the six-month mark, I'd begin counting down with a semi-regularly-somewhat-changing standing head. (And what better way to unleash fanfare and/or hoopla  than a standing head!) So I started that on February 12... Yup. You do the math.

One month off.

(I was confused, I believe, over the fact that the event my stunt was plugging, the National All-Limerick Slam, occurred on Aug. 12, 1999, and was thus thinking AUGUST, when DL actually began the month PREVIOUS, as good plugging usually does.)

It wasn't until today that I realized I'd also screwed up the countdown. You see, on February 12, I started with "FIVE MONTHS to go" but accidentally continued on Feb. 13 with, "FIVE MONTHS AND 28 DAYS," which would seem to indicate time going backward, instead of the proper "FOUR MONTHS AND 28 DAYS." And I continued the mistake indefinitely until, of course, today.

Speaking of being asleep at the wheel, not one reader commented on it...

By the way, I'm still waiting for the influx of "Daily Limerick Moments." Not to mention leads on my Destiny's Child and/or Meg Ryan plans...

Milwaukee's St. Augustine Catholic Church has had some image problems lately.

Episodes of "Touched by a Father." You know the spiel.

So, anyway, churchgoers wanted to do something to "reclaim" their church, so to speak.

So what do they do? They hold a big ceremony to "re-dedicate" the church, complete with incense and sacred oils!

Which unintendedly mimics the Church's response to the scandal, and many other things, actually--why bother with legal or regulatory reform when there areridiculously outdated rituals to perform?...

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" ERECTION COVERAGE...

I was alarmed to learn this week that President Bush was running TV ads in various states using the events of 9-11 for promotional reasons.

Alarmed. But not surprised.

I was even more alarmed, but still not surprised, to find that Master Fraud issued a special "9-11" credit card, with an image of firefighters raising the flag at Ground Zero. (Or they did until somebody, more in touch with reality than its marketing department, complained.)

I was just waiting from proof that "Corporate Synergy" doesn't necessarily confine itself to the private sector...

Howard Dean finally won a primary!

Vermont's!

Only, he won AFTER he'd dropped out of the running.

Now, let's hope that Sharpton and Kucinich take note of this...

Urban Outfitters is marketing a T-shirt that reads, "Voting is for Old People," which has caused a hubbub, as you can imagine, as it perhaps unintendedly (second time I've used that word which the spell-checker doesn't recognize today)... er, perhaps unintendedly sums up why there's serious, careful thought being put into Medicare reform while nobody on Capitol Hill apparently gives a shit about the skyrocketing cost of college.

The shirt, however, doesn't appear to be tongue-in-cheek or sarcastic in any way.

More evidence, I think, of Corporate-Government Synergy...

Laughing at Strangers (and Strange Places) for No Real Good Reason:

Damien Woody.

Or is he just happy to be in LASFNRGR?

And:

Licking Township, Pennsylvania.

The town has a long, oral history.

Daily Limerick Told You So:

Didn't I tell you that, with the Sinister Puritan American Plot behind "Reefer Madness II: Tobacco" going so swimmingly, they'd go after tobacco?

There's a movement in Chicago to crack-down on the not uncommon taverns with "'til4 a.m." liquor licenses.

As history continues its scarcely noticed, never-ending loop...

Shortly after its introduction, DLTYS enjoys a double entry!

This week, it took a European Union court to uncover what I've suspected all along:

Coca-Cola's Dasani bottled water COMES FROM THE TAP!

(By the way, my suspecting wasn't confined to just that brand.)

Well, Coke does put the water through "special filtering" after it comes out of the tap, to be fair. You know, doing their part to quell the epidemic of deaths from people drinking un-special filtered tap water...

Sunday Story Time: Not in Mickey D's Prime Demographic

McDonald's decision to fully embrace the War to Protect People From Themselves, aka the Big Mother movement, by planning the elimination of "Super Sized" menu items, reminded me of a time, oh, almost 20 years ago, when McD's, reacting to a precursor of the modern Big Mother movement, announced that it'd be cooking fries in new "cholesterol free" cooking oil.

Now, I may have more sensitive taste buds than most. But the fries didn't taste as good to me at that point.

Since I don't run out and grab McDonald's fries when I'm seeking healthy culinary options, and considering that I was in a "fire off a letter when you're pissed in order to be a good citizen" period of life, I wrote McDonald's complaining, ala "I never asked for your fries to be the tastiest AND also healthy!"

Of course, they didn't change the oil back. But they did send me a slew of $1 gift certificates.

And I used them.

Hey. They're STILL the best fries.

Maybe it's time to get some more gift certificates.

Hey. I can STILL order, like, two small fries and Super-Size on my own.

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 3/7/2004:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: Preaching love

Slicked with gore,

dripping blood,

chest heaving with exhaustion,

eyes swollen shut,

nails driven through bone,

spat spat spat the wounds

lolling their angry tongues.

A blood sacrifice

of inhuman suffering.

Dirt and thirst

crowned with thorns

This is the god, boy,

I want you to remember

when you pray.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/8/2004:

They dub him a "Liberal Traitor"

but if three percent (nothing greater)

makes your Big Win breaky

your campaign's quite shaky--

he really just a mastur-Nader.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/8/2004:

Today marks exactly FOUR MONTHS AND 4 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell a co-hort; send in a touching "Daily Limerick Moment"; help my special, home-made "romantic comedy" with Meg Ryan start shooting! Just do SOMETHING, you damn slackers!...

On my way into the part-time office recently, I spied a sign reading "WMD"--complete with an arrow pointing in their direction!

Then, however, I noticed that the sign actually read, "WMG," standing for "Woman Made Gallery," which is in the same building as my office.

Although it would make a fine hiding place, I should've know that Weapons of Mass Destruction wouldn't likely be located in an art gallery.

But Saddam's must be somewhere, right?...

Saw a letter in USA Weekend (the Unofficial Publication of the Great Dumbing Down) expressing a belief that Clay Aiken, one of the far-too-famous-for-a-karaoke-singer "American Idol" semi-celebrities, will become "The next Elvis."

I'll save my comment on this for the next nugget--more properly a "niblet," as these two are so short...

Saw a column in a newspaper "business" section today advising job-seekers to watch "The Apprentice" for tips.

Taking these two together, I'm going to now write a phrase that I have never written before and should wisely never write again:

Stop the world. I want to get off...

I'm serious! If any readers control the spinning of the world... On second thought, if one of YOU controls the spinning of the world, we have bigger fish to fricassee...

Now, thankfully, I haven't watched much of "The Apprentice"--even through my common "Second-hand TV Watching." But in going through the newspapers regularly, I know a lot more about many TV shows than might be expected of a merely quasi-couch potato.

And I've read about Mr. Trump chastising female contestants on the show for using sexuality--mainly wearing "non-professional" attire. (At least where it doesn't concern an all-important, free-publicity-gaining TV Guide cover shot.)

Not being lucky enough to have a "corporate" job, I can only rely on second-hand chatter about these things. And I've heard plenty comments like, "Can you believe she wore THAT skirt--in a business environment?"

Once, my wife had a co-worker who, shall we say, paid oral homage to a potential client as a way of gaining the client's business. Which, naturally, was a technique not embraced by Wifey.

It's funny how on THIS point, and THIS point only, Corporate America suddenly has a strong ethical component to its methods. But I guess you wouldn't REALLY want employees "thinking outside the box."

Although, in my example's case, she DID think outside her box.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/9/2004:

Though the verdict set O.J. free

(and most of us didn't agree)

Dame Justice is strivin'

to right that court jivin'--

was caught stealin' DirecTV.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/9/2004:

Today marks exactly FOUR MONTHS AND 3 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell a co-hort; send in a touching "Daily Limerick Moment"; help my special, home-made "romantic comedy" with Meg Ryan start shooting! Just do SOMETHING, you damn slackers!...

So, there are some disappointments in the Iraqi constitution-drafting process, despite a temporary version being recently ratified. It seems that the various ethnic, religious and political factions are "deeply divided."

This is a cause for disappointment? Seems to me they're showing signs of a full-blown, mature democracy...

While American golf organizations, like the LPGA, are shying from this relatively new Civil Rights Front, the Ladies European Tour, will be welcoming women who were given their most womanly of goods via surgery.

The (now) woman who prompted all this? Golfer Mianne Bagger.

Given the particulars, my only question is: Is Mianne a one-, two- or three-Bagger?...

There's a good deal of controversy (or what passes for "controversy," these days) over whether Advil Lasagna... Er, let me get the spelling right here... Avril Lavigne is a legitimate "punk princess" or really just another pop star who happens to wear combat boots.

Now, the question is settled once and for all: Ms. Lasagna... Er, Lavigne is now in the middle of a national mall tour! So there ends the controversy, putting her in league with such noted seminal punk artists as... Er, Tiffany...

A Chicago-area woman has earned some legal troubles in getting caught spiking her children's juice with Xanax.

Authorities are reportedly unsure as to the motive.

Her kids are around 10-years-old.

This falls under the umbrella of a curious situation that also arises in cases of murdered spouses: Built-in motive...

I've been hearing all this talk about "battered women" and, while it seems a tad cruel, it sounds like it certainly makes oral sex all the tastier--sort of a Long John Silversy cunnilingus! My only request is that somebody tries BEER battering them!

Why not? It would be... Er, OH. "Battered" as in... Oh, sorry...

Come to think of it, though, considering prevalent circumstances, a good many of these women could arguably BE "beer battered"...

The elaborately painted sign on the palm reader's business read: Palmastry.

Hell, if you're going to throw out every rule of science AND common sense, what the hell does spelling matter?

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/10/2004:

John Ashcroft's Prude Mission is stalled

as he heeds his gallbladder's call

which calls for removal;

I'd grant my approval

if they can just remove his gall.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/10/2004:

Today marks exactly FOUR MONTHS AND 2 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell a co-hort; send in a touching "Daily Limerick Moment"; help my special, home-made "romantic comedy" with Meg Ryan start shooting! Just do SOMETHING, you damn slackers!...

Alice Pike tried passing off a $1 million dollar bill at a Georgia Wal-Mart. And she demanded that Wal-Mart make change.

But the underpaid, over-drug-tested worker noticed something fishy.

Ms. Pike picked the wrong check-out counter. You could say it was a bad "counter-fit"...

The Center for Disease Control released its new tallies of those killed by tobacco, obesity, AIDS, etc.

Curiously, this year they stopped the recent practice of calculating "secondhand smoke" deaths.

No fanfare. No mention as to the reasons. I only learned of it through the last part of a semi-related sentence.

Kinda makes you wonder if they're quietly adding "deaths by secondhand Super Bowl nipple glances" for next year...

Speaking of Big Mother, some activist group unaware of stuff like poverty, homelessness and AIDS has released some study or other busybodiness howling for Hollywood to treat instances of on-screen smoking like that other proven Destroyer of Youth, profanity, when determining MPAA ratings.

They don't single out "positive" portrayals of smoking. Just ANY portrayal of smoking.

Taking the Bush Administration's Retro Madness a step further, I guess we're going back to the "if the kids do KNOW about it, THAT oughta solve everything" school...

A new study finds that coffee drinking helps prevent diabetes.

So run out and pop those eyes out of your skull with a bottomless cup, before it's "bad" for you again next week...

Another study finds that anorexic women have a lower incidence of breast cancer.

So run out and start living a Lifetime movie, before the fun of anorexia is bad for you again next week...

In my Internet travels, I happened upon a blonde "celebrity" of some sort named J. Bierdermann.

And so I issue another ridiculously optimistic call to readers to fill me in on this "celebrity."

Meanwhile, I'm having fantasies that are a bit, shall we say, Tennessee?...

I am a Karma Boomerang.

Treat me well--hell, even treat me indifferent--and I'll treat YOU well. Treat me bad and... Sorry. More philosophizing on the Great Neighbor War...

Speaking of pun-ridden, silly thoughts masquerading as legitimate S&Y nuggets, I thought of a new name for the genre of verse I dabble in:

Ho-etry...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Kenneth Attaway.

Atta... Er, way to go, Ken!

And:

Suzanne Cornbleet.

It's just a funny name, and I should leave it at that.

Okay.

She got ahold of a sentient cob...

When will I learn...

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/11/2004:

Avril Lavigne, "punk princess" hellion

has lyrics that bit like a scallion!

Challenging the system

with SK8R Boy wisdom:

A mall tour's corp'rate-backed rebellion!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/11/2004:

Today marks exactly FOUR MONTHS AND 1 DAY until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell a co-hort; send in a touching "Daily Limerick Moment"; help my special, home-made "romantic comedy" with Meg Ryan start shooting! Just do SOMETHING, you damn slackers!...

There's a new magazine called Cargo, all about shopping.

Kinda like the frighteningly successful Lucky--but Cargo is for men.

And it's only ONE such new magazine.

These publishers will find that, while there IS a demographic of men who will buy such a thing, they are already covered. That is, the market is fairly saturated.

What with Out, the Advocate...

"Sex in the City" is going to be syndicated on network TV.

I think they will change the name to "... In the City" for these airings.

Anyhoo, apparently everybody over at SITC is in a quandary over the idea of seeing their allegedly "groundbreaking" show tampered with in order to conform to rigid, mainstream attitudes.

Executive producer Cindy Chupak even said, "We're very sad to even think about it or watch it."

Not sad enough to, oh, say, NOT sell it into network syndication. I mean, we're past the point in history where that's even possible, I guess...

Just saw half heard some ABC news show in the other room--it was the 9 or 9:30 slot on Thursday, look it up yourself, and how's that for interactive news?--and its expose on the previously undisclosed reason as to why Billy Ray Cyrus semi-voluntarily stepped out of the limelight.

I mean, he'd only gotten in about 12 minutes of fame.

Turns out... Oh, I don't care. And neither do you.

But I have to make a point of tuning into that show in the future. To find out some things that have been piquing my curiosity. For instance, I don't know too much about our president. He just kinda came out of nowhere, under my radar, and POW! he was President.

A show like that is likely to fill me in on that shadowy Clinton character...

Which reminds me: For those keeping a tally of seeming proof there IS a God and seeming proof that there isn't a God, chalk one up to the Almighty:

I just realized the other day that, as soon as Emeril branched out into a Godawful sitcom, you stopped hearing so much about him. As Ben and J-Lo have taken a hit via Synergy Overdose.

BAM!...

There are no "reality" shows that really "make someone over."

Do they take a homeless person, get 'em counseling, some computer classes?

For that matter, do they take some millionaire marriaged, gorgeous, copiously plastically altered bimbo who's lived her whole life believing material goods would bring happiness--only to attain them all and STILL find herself miserable... Damn, is that a long sentence!... Anyway, do they show HER that the key to happiness is in finding oneself, getting in touch with the inner, non-materials stuff?

No.

Of course not.

As a matter of fact, I'll admit it's a butt-stupid question.

And THAT'S what's scary about the whole thing...

I was at a contract/freelance/what-have-you job today and, in the kitchen area, on the table, where people leave snacks that are offered to all, there was a box of St. Valentine's Day candy hearts.

So I had a few. I'm somehow obligated to eat anything offered to me for free.

Pretty much.

Don't get any funny idea, Star Jones!

Ahem.

One heart read, "Let's read."

Now, those candy hearts take me back to my youth more than ever.

"To all the girls I've unrequitedly loved before"...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Eleanor Disko.

Duck!

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/12/2004:

Europe's welcomed golf's Mianne Bagger;

the U.S. can't accept PLAIN faggers!

See, she was born male.

For her rights I rail!

(Though it's too weird for me to shag her.)

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/12/2004:

Today marks exactly FOUR MONTHS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell a co-hort; send in a touching "Daily Limerick Moment"; help my special, home-made "romantic comedy" with Meg Ryan start shooting! Just do SOMETHING, you damn slackers!...

So, without the economic recovery still jobless--and, lately, stock-market-less--new terrorist threats by the day and, last I checked, plenty of unsolved murders and homelessness... Congress decides it can best pass it's time by holding hearings on that most important of issues:

Baseball.

Grown men running around playing playground games.

Oh, and taking steroids.

They'll keep it as brief as possible, I'm sure. After all, there's that Super Bowl Nipple business to attend to...

It just occurred to me the other day that people actually DO buy products without advertising or marketing telling them to do so.

Food. Drink. Clothing. Prostitutes. Housing. You know, the necessities.

But, of course, that's not good enough to keep a jobless-recovering economy going...

Those Cheezy Saturdays sometimes sneak up on you a little early, you know.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/13/2004:

A "no" from that Kim Catrall chick

might halt "Sex in the City" flick.

Her "no more Sam!" choice--

list'n close to that Voice--

fears revealing Sam has a dick!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/13/2004:

Today marks exactly THREE MONTHS AND 30 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell a co-hort; send in a touching "Daily Limerick Moment"; help my special, home-made "romantic comedy" with Meg Ryan start shooting! Just do SOMETHING, you damn slackers!...

In my ramblings about Congress deciding to focus on the world of grown men in shorts and/or tight pants playing recess games (as Congress concerns itself with the most pressing matters of the modern world, like grown men in shorts and/or tight pants who play recess games for a living using steroids), I neglected to mention some factors influencing my "point."

(Yes, I often have such a thing as a "point," odd as that may seem.)

Congress is also focusing on grown men in shorts and/or tight pants playing recess games for COLLEGE, thanks to recent "revelations" of college recruiting that utilizes sex and all sorts of current-administration-discouraged fun.

And my ponderings also led me to realize that even the current FCC Sternhunt derives from a non-infamous (finely browned) Nipple Sighting that occurred as part of festivities around grown men in shorts and/or tight pants playing recess games for a living.

In short, it's hard for me to decide which topic to spend the most time being disconcerted over.

But please, PLEASE don't go cracking down on skimpy clothing in women's tennis.

Sports, after all, are a proud tradition in this country that quite obviously affects each and every one of us. Unlike such meager concerns as, oh, say, al-Qaida possibly ready to launch some cryptically alluded to "dark wind" major attack on the U.S...

Laughing at Strangers (and Strange Places) for No Real Good Reason:

Grundy County, Illinois.

It's kinda wedgyed between Chicago and the downstate capital.

And:

Bob Mutter.

Huh? I said Bob MUTTER!

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 3/14/2004:

Now politicians'd be remiss, um

to not view the children with bliss-um.

But consider, maybe

hiding your poor babies

as candidates scramble to kiss 'em.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/14/2004:

Today marks exactly THREE MONTHS AND 29 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell a friend; send in a touching "Daily Limerick Moment"; help my special, home-made "romantic comedy" with Meg Ryan start shooting! Just do SOMETHING, you damn slackers!...

Happy Greek Day!

Huh! What?

(See Below)...

Perhaps because of more prominent tragedies in the world over these last few days, some may not have noted that in Syria, five people were killed and 100 injured when a soccer riot went terribly, horribly wrong.

Or perhaps it went terribly, horribly RIGHT, keeping in mind the, er, "goals" of rioters.

Now, Syria is not a country known for taking to Western trends. But this one was too good to pass up, evidently.

It's especially shocking because the two teams involved we "al-Jihad" and "al-Fatwah."

Proving, once again, that violence can strike at even the most peaceful seeming of events...

United we stand!

Divide we fall!

Hmm. We're kinda tottering.

And Rosie O'Donnell goes on record saying part of the reason she and her spouse married in San Fran was to lend an air of "normalcy" to the idea of a same-sex marriage.

That oughta do it.

This also presents us with a mention of Rosie's life and "normalcy" in the same sentence.

Who doesn't know well, for instance, the trials and tribulations of a daily national talk show, the feeling of a court battle with a publisher over a magazine bearing your name?...

Speaking of the ho-hum normal lives of celebrities, a "knit-in" was held to show support for Martha Stewart yesterday and the attendance tallies are in:

Nobody showed.

Not even the organizers.

Magazines bearing one's name don't appear to be flourishing these days, do they?...

And as long as we're within an accidental "celebrity hunk" for S&Y, I bring you an excerpt of a letter to today's edition of that bastion of intelligent readership, USA Weekend:

"What the secret to Cher's hair?"

The shocking answer from the genius staff at USA Weekend?

"Wigs."

Who says investigative reporting in print is dead?...

By the way, Cher has only a size 6 3/4 head. For hat purposes.

I wear a 7 3/8 hat. Nyah nyah, Cher!

I wear the same hat size as Bing Crosby and Elvis! I may in fact wear the same as Jimmy Stewart--he wore a 7 1/2, but if he were to have buzzed his hair real short like mine, who knows?

Oh, and John Wayne may or may not have worn the same hat size as me. A range was given.

Okay, I'll explain: Baron California Hats has a "Celebrity Hat Size" section on its Web site. I checked it out and for a bit was just millinerying around...

Okay, okay, one more celebrity nugget:

Eric Clapton has opened a rehab center in the Caribbean somewhere, as a way of "giving back" to the world.

At the opening ceremony or whatever, he unveiled a logo for the center. A logo he drew himself. Which has been, according to him:

"...[I]n my head, all my life and goes deep with me, but I don't know what it means."

It's a cartoon, smiley-faced sun.

Hmm. Perhaps he's about to enter that rehab, as well...

What the hell's with the "pirate accent"?

Really. I guess you don't hear it much anymore, other than in impersonations and clownery, but how they hell did it come about to begin with?

There's no land called "Piratia." So how did all these outlaws, whom we can only assume came from different countries and backgrounds, end up with the same signature accent? What's more, doesn't an accent arise from being raised among a certain type of speakers? I mean, unless you're a poser, you don't generally gain an accent as an adult. And, considering that pirates were like 99 percent male... I imagine a lot of pirate babies were born under the ol' skull and crossbones.

I know you've been holding back, waiting for a topic that only YOU can comment upon. But now it's high time for all S&Y's pirate readers to come forth and explain some things for the rest of us...

Daily Limerick Media Service Announcement Time!

When there's a vicious murder and you interview the mother of the accused, it is not newsworthy that she declares him "innocent"...

Oh, and, by the way, nothing can be "too much to bear" for someone unless, of course, that someone is dead...

Is it Just a Case of Twisted Minds Thinking Alike or... Perhaps Something More Sinister:

The "O'Reilly" factor is now receiving viewer limericks. And "News Limericks," of a sort, to boot.

I feel a bit Frankensteinian, all of a sudden...

Have you noticed that I'm really Jonesin' for new S&Y standing heads?...

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" ERECTION COVERAGE...

My Chicago Sun-Times has been running a periodic feature lately offering an in-depth glimpse at the candidates for various offices.

They features answers to such crucial questions as "What was the candidates' first jobs?" "Who are the candidates' favorite musicians?" and even the markedly insightful, "What are the candidates' favorite pig-out foods?"

Thanks, MTV...

I don't have a lot of fuel for the Special "Pull-Out" Erection Coverage today. But I do have a few things for the unofficial "take a close look at the current administration as you're making up your mind" section of the, er, supplement.

For instance, the FCC is upping the fees for violation of the still-undefined "indecency" thing to $500,000.

You see, in leveling fines, government agencies are required to strike a balance between charging an amount that is enough to make offender think twice about future violations while at the same time remaining "reasonable." "Reasonable" meaning that the fines won't "break" (in this case) a station or radio personality--at least not for a single incident, or even a couple of incidents.

Concerning media behemoths, this amount appears to meet the "think twice" and "reasonable" requirements quite nicely.

But take a closer look to see a more subtle message the administration is sending:

We're not expecting to see any local, independent radio stations anytime soon...

And some more: Recently, in the Chicago region--and similar events have happened before in Chicago and, I can only assume, in regions across the country--DISH Network removed CBS from its cable offerings due to a dispute over fees.

With all the focus on FCC-ish stuff lately, curiously, the organization has left this one alone.

Funny how, if DISH Network takes a station off the "public" airwaves, there's little concern; but try blocking out your local NBC affiliate with a pumped-up ham radio and see what happens...

Sunday Story Time: Greek Day

Sometime during childhood, I labeled March 14 "Greek Day."

I don't know why. I wasn't crazy for the Greeks or anything.

Wasn't THAT into the Olympics.

Wasn't THAT into Greek Mythology.

I don't know why.

So take your "Happy Greek Day" wishing and be happy for it.

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 3/14/2004:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: Little black dress

A little black dress

shadow-crafted from tangled trees.

The leaves have met in such a way,

as to form a sprite

dressed to stun.

She hovers, quietly but playfully,

along the edge of the bombed-out property,

over sparkling glass and scattered debris,

coyly rising the height of the wall.

She's threaded through by lengths of smoke,

weaving scarves in fiery haze

that pass through her into the sky.

She, too, passes into the sunlight.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/15/2004:

Six-month annivers'ries exude

that "new lovers bliss" attitude.

What oth'r thoughtful devils

mark time on that level?

Those romantic al-Qaida dudes!?!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/15/2004:

Today marks exactly THREE MONTHS AND 28 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell a co-hort; send in a touching "Daily Limerick Moment"; help my special, home-made "romantic comedy" with Meg Ryan start shooting! Just do SOMETHING, you damn slackers!...

Today's "new" via limerick is indeed true.

Not that I doubt your unbending trust in DL's integrity.

I just like to expand upon the Limerick at times, as five lines doesn't generally qualify as "in-depth."

In the (alleged) al-Qaida tape claiming (alleged) responsibility for the Spanish train bombings, the al-Qaida dude on screen in his, er, monologue, claims (what the hell--everything that follows is "alleged") that the deed was done to commemorate the "2 1/2 Year Anniversary" of the Sept. 11 attacks.

Does a newsy clarification nugget require an attempt at a witty ending.

Hmmm...

I guess I answered my own question, huh?...

By now, you've probably all heard of Melissa Rowland.

Okay. Try again:

By now, you've probably all heard of the woman who may be prosecuted for her refusal to undergo a C-section, which may have contributed to one of her twin babies being stillborn.

Her name is Melissa Rowland. And her picture has been shown on newspapers and in TV stations relentlessly for the last few days.

Which brings me to the question most piquing my curiosity: Who the hell banged HER?...

Actually, I kid. Not because I view that last comment as insensitive--I do, but don't care--but because I happen to know damn well that, not matter how ugly the woman or man or creature or inanimate object, some man out there will, given a chance, bang her, him, it or whatever...

If you follow sports, specifically NCAA basketball, you're probably following the after effects of LeVar Seals' smack to Tony Bobbitt's groin recently.

And, even if you don't follow sports, you're probably figuring that any man who values his Willie in the slightest should lose the "Bobbitt" name--and fast!...

A new magazine, Reality Check, will focus on... You guessed it. "Reality" TV.

Oh, and an upcoming cable station, Reality Central, will... Figure it out, genius.

Adjust your probability charts of God's existence accordingly...

Damn! 2004 is shaping up to be the Year of Delayed Lust.

First, I came to the conclusion, after not paying her much attention, that I'd really like to bone Meg Ryan.

Now... Katie Couric.

Ever notice that she kinda looks like she could've mothered Sarah Michelle Gellar?

Anyway, I figured this was as good a time as any to inform the unknowing of the "I'd Do Her (or Him) Rule."

It doesn't mean that, should Katie Couric show up at my door in lingerie, I'd do her on up. Oh, no. I'm married.

So an expression of, "I'd Do Her" should be viewed as being followed by qualifiers.

Unless, of course, it's all of Destiny's Child, which may or may not even exist as an entity anymore...

Laughing at Strangers (and Strange Places) for No Real Good Reason:

Bent Hamer.

Careful, or he'll nail you from around the corner.

And:

Lacoochee, Fla.

Not a good tourist destination for the ticklish.

And:

Robert Armband.

He wears his roots proudly on his sleeve.

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 3/15/2004:

> Re: Greek Day

>

> My roommate holds a small celebration for herself and friends on March 4th,

> because, as she says, "It's the only date that's also a command."

>

> I wish I'd made that up.

Congratulations!

Your letter managed to be much more entertaining than the Sunday Story Time to which it refers! Which, in this case, really isn't saying much but, nonetheless, you should be commended. Or rear-ended.

Or something.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/16/2004:

Terror threats play-out the world through;

there's no jobs--economy's blue...

Thank God for Jan's Nip

and sports scandals tipped--

now Congress has something to do!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/16/2004:

Today marks exactly THREE MONTHS AND 27 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell a co-hort; send in a touching "Daily Limerick Moment"; help my special, home-made "romantic comedy" with Meg Ryan start shooting! Just do SOMETHING, you damn slackers!...

Teaser head of the business section of today's Chicago Sun-Times:

"This Spring Could be the Strongest U.S. Job Market in More Than Three Years."

I've got another one for 'em:

"Giant Hedgehogs from Out Space Could Decide to Attack at Any Moment."

Anything COULD happen...

Here's another one for the Features section. And it's fine fodder for the game: Write a News Story To Match That's Shorter than the Headline Yourself!:

"How to Stand Out at a Reality TV Casting Call."

Show signs of brain activity--AP...

If you need more proof that we're becoming more and more of a Global World every day, here's some showing that politicians are nearly the same everywhere already.

In Pakistan, a bomb placed inside a van parked right outside the U.S. consulate was defused with minutes to spare. This prompted a statement from Pakistan Information Minister Sheikh Rashid Ahmed, who, possibly aiming for a position one day at our own Dept. of Homeland Security, insightfully remarked, "The man or men who left this van near the U.S. consulate building wanted to blow it up"...

One of the least shocking news stories to come over the wire today brings the revelation that Star Jones' new fiancé, Al Reynolds, is gay.

Not just "possibly gay" or linked to "semi-gay activity." Fire Island-visitin', Speedo-wearin' gay.

Now that's enough cover-up for two...

The town of Aliso Viejo, Calif., was all set for a vote on whether or not to ban Styrofoam cups.

Why? They contain a mysterious chemical called "dihydrogen monoxide."

A little more research has been done since calling for this vote, however.

Turns out, dihydrogen monoxide is better known as H2-O.

I am, however, a little surprised they didn't go forth with the vote anyway. This is California, after all, and lack of evidence proving things "harmful" hasn't appeared to stop them in the past...

Marcus Wesson is the name of the guy accused of the ritual, cultish, incestuous killings in Fresno, California.

Can you picture him in a commercial, singin' 'bout his own style of "Wesson-ality"?

Where's a gutsy ad guy when you need 'em?

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/17/2004:

A typo on a bar today

turned the joint, just for tonight, gay.

There's naught wrong with that;

they'll profit St. Pat's

though their sign read "St. Patsy's Day."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/17/2004:

Today marks exactly THREE MONTHS AND 26 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell a co-hort; send in a touching "Daily Limerick Moment"; help my special, home-made "romantic comedy" with Meg Ryan start shooting! Just do SOMETHING, you damn slackers!...

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

I'm sorta obligated to celebrate this one. What with the limericks and being bitten by a radioactive leprechaun and all. Now, I don't have a lick of Irish in me--the stating of which, by the way, obligates me to say, "But I wouldn't mind a lick of Irish ON me!"--but, well, it's a big celebration here in the Daily Limerick, er, offices. Let me tell you.

So... Happy St. Paddy's Day!

And what are you doing reading this, anyway? Start working up an alcohol-induced vomit! Tell the bartender that Daily Limerick sent ya'! And then tip really, really well to make up for it...

It's official now:

Justin Timberlake will NOT be hosting the "MoTown 45" special commemorating... Well, 45 years of MoTown.

Cedric the Entertainer will handle hosting duties now. It had been assumed for some time that plans to have Timberlake host would be changed. Officially, it's because of his personal schedule, but, naturally, there is an assumption that the Super Bowl (finely browned) Nipple Incident played a role and... Hold it!

How in the screamin' hell did somebody pick Justin Timberlake--who, to point out a little known fact, is Caucasian and, to point out another fact not so little-known, is a questionably talented schmo on his 18th Minute of Fame who came into the spotlight as a member of a FREAKIN' BOY BAND--in the first place?

Geez. I hope all this FCC spotlight doesn't prevent Anna Nicole Smith from presenting the MacArthur Genius Grants...

But sorry for bein' rough on Justin. I will admit that he has SOME talent. Britney Spears and Cameron Diaz are certainly beyond reach of the average guy...

The AFL-CIO has field a lawsuit against freakin' China for violating international labor rules.

Geez. CHINA. That almost as tough as... Tryin' to sue Goddamned Disney or something.

Naturally, pundits think this suit doesn't have a chance. Far-fetched, they say. While some legal experts point to some validity to the case based on the codes which have barely, if at all, been tested in courts, you gotta figure this goes against the underlying purpose of globalization law:

Ensuring that first world businesses benefits at all costs to the rest of the world...

"Panda porn" is in the news.

Now, before readers go a-Googlin', ya' sick bastards, realize that this is strictly panda-on-panda porn and... Yeech. INCREDIBLY sick bastards.

Anyway, this porn was created for a zoo-dwelling Chinese panda, who has been raised away from other pandas, to learn how to have sex. I personally think this is a better job for Dr. Ruth than counseling humans on sex, but this is their technique.

Which makes you wonder: Is there panda porn in U.S. zoos?

Well, anyway, once they're done with the Nipple Crusades and steroids/recruiting scandals, Congress, the FCC and John Ashcroft have their next order of business laid out for them...

Nonprofit and doctors' groups are starting to advocate the regulation of advertising geared toward children.

Shouldn't somebody tell these folks that it's ADULTS who have to either buy their children "stuff" or give their children the money to do so themselves?

(Sigh.) I know, I know. Non-media, non-governmental parenting is SOOO last century...

One of today's headlines:

"Rwanda's Leader Blames France in '94 Slaughter."

The article's author? Tim Butcher.

They do tell us writers, early on, to "write what you know"...

Here's a true-to-life example of the kinds of books you see when people authors DON'T follow the "write what you know" rule:

Hans Blix's "Disarming Iraq"...

A "help-wanted" ad I stumbled upon today starts with: "The Source--the Ultimate Gay Communications Directory," and goes on to describe a sales position that pays "straight commission."

And I thought that, despite all sorts of discrimination, gays were considered financially well-off, as a minority group.

Just goes to show you: There's the "Glass Ceiling," and then there's the, "Ass Ceiling"...

Now, I know that last capper lacked modern sensitivity. Still, I'm gigglin' like a proverbial schoolgirl and, let's not kid ourselves, that's what this is all about...

A Daily Limerick Media Service Announcement:

Stop running stories with the underlying premise that "Wow! The reality of the situation isn't quite like it is portrayed on 'reality' TV!"

Stop it! Stop it now!

Whom am I kidding? The mainstream media's still running with the "It's not your father's [whatever]" cliché. I'm actin 'downright Utopian on this one...

I happened to peruse an art display in a bar last night and, in examining a portrait of Edgar Allen Poe, stared at it long enough to suddenly... Find the visage resembling Dabney Coleman.

That got me thinkin' about getting into art therapy.

Previously, though, I thought "art therapy" meant using art AS therapy...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

FBI's Executive Assistance for Counter-Terrorism John Pistole.

He's whip smart.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/18/2004:

March Seventeenth brings four-leaf clovers

(and for lust or puke, bending over).

But March Eighteenth rates

a calendar date:

the National Day of Hangover.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/18/2004:

Today marks exactly THREE MONTHS AND 25 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell a co-hort; send in a touching "Daily Limerick Moment"; help my special, home-made "romantic comedy" with Meg Ryan start shooting! Just do SOMETHING, you damn slackers!...

Now, many are blaming the Spanish people for tossing out the old political party, which supported the Iraq war, in recent elections.

Now, I'll agree it doesn't look good to even APPEAR to kowtow to al-Qaida. The mere possibility that al-Qaida could even APPEAR to influence an election would have me, were I a Spanish voter, seriously thinking about my voting options. In BOTH political directions, mind you.

But those quick to call the Spanish "cowards" lose sight of an important fact. The majority of Spanish citizens DISAPPROVED of joining the Iraq war coalition to begin with.

So you could say, voters ALREADY had reason to vote out the ruling party.

But that doesn't sound so good on cable TV news shows...

Moxie.

You don't hear the term a lot.

I like it.

"She's got MOXIE."

RRRrrrrrrrRRRr.

Like it. Learn it. Love it.

Tune in. Turn on. Scratch Yourself...

And now it's time for--

Ponder This!

You're a Hollywood director. You have one big screen directing credit. It happens to be, "Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo."

You get a new project, after years.

In your press releases and such, would you refer to yourself as "The Director of 'Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo'"?

Or is it better to act like you're a big-screen rookie?...

This isn't part of today's brand spankin' new, (possibly) recurring feature, Ponder This.

But ponder it, nonetheless:

Does anybody remember the days when media owners, radio stations, etc., would rabidly defend their artists when the FCC came a sniffin' around?

Anybody?

Is there anybody... OUT THERE!?!...

Sometimes, it isn't hard to figure out when to end an S&Y. What in the hell is goin' on around here, anyway...

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 3/18/2004:

> Ha ha ha ha ha. "Ass ceiling." That, er, cracks me up.

Now, don't go gettin' cheeky on me.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/19/2004:

That fella engaged to Star Jones

had motives, but they were unknown.

Chub chaser? Gold digger?

The buzz--as I figured--

it isn't chicks he likes to bone!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/19/2004:

Today marks exactly THREE MONTHS AND 24 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell a co-hort; send in a touching "Daily Limerick Moment"; help my special, home-made "romantic comedy" with Meg Ryan start shooting! Just do SOMETHING, you damn slackers!...

A guy in France known (so far) only as "Pierre" got into trouble for running a man over in his car.

Apparently, Pierre was distraught over the terrorist attack in Spain and thought the man was Osama bin Laden.

Hmm.

Let's hope that the cell-phone-happy drivers who nearly run ME down on a daily basis don't pay enough attention to the news to get any funny ideas for excuses once they DO get me...

Chicago today announced that it has a plan to end homelessness in 10 years.

Ambitious. And I shouldn't make fun, I suppose.

This wasn't, however, where the epidemic of hopeless optimism started.

Playboy just HAD to go and predict a Cubs win in the coming World Series...

Britney Spears cancelled her Chicago performance that was to be tonight because of a knee injury.

If you happen to notice any inexplicably pouty 12-year-old and/or gay friends in the area...

Just a question:

How come furniture ads in newspapers don't show people watching TV on their furniture, but instead show them engaged in such bizarre, near-alien activity as reading books and having family discussions?...

Last night, I had leftovers from three recent meals. Each delicious, each not enough by itself to make for a full meal. But together... Did the trick.

I prefer to say I enjoyed the degustation.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/20/2004:

Britney's Chi-Town concert did tease--

was cancelled for knee injury

from dance work, no doubt

but my mind, the lout

dreams of knee-bound efforts to please.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/20/2004:

Today marks exactly THREE MONTHS AND 23 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell a co-hort; send in a touching "Daily Limerick Moment"; help my special, home-made "romantic comedy" with Meg Ryan start shooting! Just do SOMETHING, you damn slackers!...

By the way, I only used the offensive moniker for Chicago, "Chi-Town," because it fit the meter and all.

The Cheeziness of Saturdays knows no bounds...

Speakin' of Britney, something just occurred to me.

It concerns Britney's little five-hour Vegas marriage.

Now, many things about this event are disturbing, but I pondered upon perhaps the most disturbing fact:

I think Britney got the idea from that episode of "Friends" where Ross and Rachel... Basically did the same thing. Only the fictional characters had more of a marriage-worthy relationship than Britney and Mr. Alexander.

(By the way, I only remember the temp hubby's name because it's the same as the actor famous for portraying George Constanza. And, concerning my memory of a specific "Friends" episode... Well, I guess I have no excuse.)

So, wrapping up, today's nugget mentions both Britney and "Friends."

They're called Cheezy Saturdays for many, many reasons.

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 3/21/2004:

"Reality" TV appeals

but am I the sole guy who feels

characters and plots

in other time slots

like sitcoms somehow seem more real?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/21/2004:

Today marks exactly THREE MONTHS AND 22 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell a friend; send in a touching "Daily Limerick Moment"; help my special, home-made "romantic comedy" with Meg Ryan start shooting! Just do SOMETHING, you damn slackers!...

Now I haven't done a thorough examination of the matter, but have stumbled across the following two filmgoer reactions immediately following a viewing of "The Passion of the Christ":

A man began crucifying himself--literally--but didn't finish the deed because he found it difficult to nail down his remaining free wrist with the same hand, and he instead used the free hand to call 9-1-1 on his cell phone; and

Sean and Melissa Davidson, husband and wife, each called the police on one another alleging physical assault, stemming from an argument-turned-fisticuffs about whether "Father" in the Holy Trinity refers to a physical entity or is just symbolic.

Does anybody else feel that strange feeling--like something's hanging in the air, about to happen? Something that normally happens in cases like these?

Aha! It's the cries of "See! Hollywood incites violence!"

Hmm. Wonder why you don't hear those voices this time...

From the March 19 Chicago Sun-Times:

"Study: Most Kids Skip After-School Activities."

So, kids would rather go home, hang out, watch TV, play computer games, etc., than join something on the order of glee club or "Students for Diversity" or whatever clubs are offered them today?

Next, they're gonna tell us that kids no longer like broccoli. What is this world coming to?...

Stuff magazine, one of those somehow-hip, trendy young men's mags that's more or less porn without the nudity, ran a trivia contest/advertising campaign and... Details are boring. Suffice it so say that nearly 65 percent of those surveyed didn't recognize Andre 3000, of Outkast--and you've gotta think that Stuff should have a young, hip, with-it demographic.

This says one of two things. Or perhaps both:

The marketing value of celebrities is less than previous assumed. Meaning, we may see fewer celebrity shills in the future and pop stars will have to find a new way to get rich, as they sure as hell don't off the executive-feeding-frenzy known as the Recording Industry.

And/or Stuff's readership isn't so "with-it" after all, which isn't so shocking consider these are guys who can't figure out that, for roughly the same price, they can see pics of chicks WITHOUT the bikinis...

Speaking of marketing, McDonald's global chief marketing officer's name is Larry Light.

I wonder if they hired him before or after the threatened fast-food lawsuits?...

And for the third item in today's accidental "Marketing Hunk," I overheard a commercial for a business claiming to be "The Most Aggressive Honda Dealership in Chicago."

Because, after all, who doesn't prefer shopping for a car while being hounded by some pushy salesman with a bad jacket and a bushy mustache...

I'm sure it's not as bad for those living outside the Chicago region but... Let's just say that we've barely started Spring Training and I'm already sick of hearing about the Cubs...

One of the currently hip exercise trends is a chain health club called "Curves," a women's health club because, I guess, the physics of calorie burning differs radically depending on the existence or lack of existence of breasts. Or perhaps many women prefer to work out without men around to ogle the jiggle.

In any event, I recently became aware of a "gentleman's club"/massage parlor/etc. in the Chicago suburbs named "Dangerous Curves."

Some interesting events could result from confusion of the two, no?

If I only had a sitcom...

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" ERECTION COVERAGE...

In deciding how you will vote in elections later this year, which are currently building toward their climax with an annoying blend of commercials, sound bytes and meaningless, babble-laden accusations, it is important to take stock of where our government is currently at and what its priorities are.

Senator Joe Biden earlier this week intended to make a point about why Congress should be involved in the relationship between Major League Baseball and physical-enhancement drugs by saying, "It's about values. It's about culture."

Think about the following three concepts for a bit: Congress. Values. Culture.

In the end, Senator Biden makes an excellent case as to why Congress should at least try as hard as it can to see if there are any other problems that might be worthy of its "services" at this point in time...

The following facts are accepted by both sides in the partisan debate:

A.) Charges of pre-"liberation" Iraq having Weapons of Mass Destruction and an al-Qaida connection were false.

B.) For some reason, there was a rush to "liberate" Iraq--such an impatience, in fact, that the Bush Administration circumvented the established United Nations practice for dealing with these situations.

And yet, mere speculation that lying by the administration would adequately explain the otherwise-mysterious-seeming relationship between A and B is "dirty politics."

Patriotism, like organized religion, is evidently less about logic than about faith.

Which, as long as we're dwelling in the relationship between various factors, happens to adequately explain a whole lot of things...

I have a mutual fund. With almost nothing in it at this point, but, nonetheless, I keep my own tally of how it's doing.

It's a bit like my own Dow Industrial Average (by the way, I just accidentally typed "Down Industrial Average," which is oddly telling). It started at $0.00, for instance, and as an example, when I check on it in the paper each morning, if my fund reads "+$.02," my little average rises two cents.

As you may have guessed, my tally has been in the negatives for some time.

But yesterday's running tally was: -$6.66.

Make of that what you will...

To wrap up the little pull-out section for today, it's been awhile since I threw this out:

"And Then Along Comes Kerry..."

(By the way. That's not an endorsement; it's an attempt to put a lame, unwritten parody song in your head!)...

Sunday Story Time: Roman Candles

There is an old Waylon Jennings song called, "Roman Candles." (Surprise.)

I was a fan of Waylon back when it was still unhip to be a fan of even the Outlaw Country guys and I often listened to the album featuring the song.

There's an odd sound effect in the chorus that always had me thinking my mom was calling me. The tone was similar to her voice or... Something. So listening to the song always brought an odd reaction in me--I'd try to ignore the reaction that tone would trigger--"It's not mom; it's just the song"--but then, of course, I'd think, "What if mom IS calling?" and... Well, it's all very exciting, I know, but that's all you need to know.

The other day, while peeing, if you must know, I got that song in my head.

And at the appropriate spot, thought perhaps The Wife was calling out to me, although she wasn't home.

Now, imagine my capper to this tale uttered in a Johnny Carson-esque voice:

"Weird."

(Johnny Carson is one of those folks for whom I can do a good impression, but only through one or two phrases. In this case, one of the phrases being, "weird." But that's another Sunday Story Time. Come to think of it, that's about it for that SST--you lucky schmucks got TWO this Sunday!)

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 3/21/2004:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: Dead car

Strike your faint shadow on the bridge's closest wall.

In the moving air we huddle, sad and small.

Strike a match twice, bring it your lips.

Inhale deeply and make a glowing flickertip.

The light makes orange letters whenever your face falls.

Just breathe yr smoke -- don't spell it out; make no rescue calls.

We don't dance like rock stars next to our dead car.

Quiet noises echo, roaring, above and afar.

The street says words to your heels, the hem of your skirt-print.

We're almost out of love; though this was our longest stint.

Signal clicks in rhythm like a wound-up clock.

At the tick you snub it, snowing ashes at the tock.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 3/21/2004:

Blah

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/22/2004:

Paris Hilton took quite a pounding;

a horse bucked her onto the ground-ing

filming "Simple Life"--

first time she found strife

achieving an on-cam'ra mounting.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/22/2004:

Today marks exactly THREE MONTHS AND 21 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell a co-hort; send in a touching "Daily Limerick Moment"; help my special, home-made "romantic comedy" with Meg Ryan start shooting! Just do SOMETHING, you damn slackers!...

Taiwan's recent presidential election ended with the incumbent winning via 50.1 percent of the vote.

Well, we're assuming it has "ended." There are massive protests in the street demanding recounts, a high court alleging foul play and generally spotlighting a bitterly divided nation.

Which means we can stop referring to Taiwan as a "newer Democracy." It's now proven itself a fully functioning, "modern democracy"...

And, by the way, I know I used a similar "joke" recently regarding Iraq, but you gotta admit, this one fits much, much better...

A saw a commercial last night for this gadget used to brush your teeth, for the purposes of... Using a gadget to floss your teeth, I suppose. That's the most likely explanation I can conjure.

It's sorta shaped like a two-pronged fork, and the floss is ran between there. So instead of holding a length of floss with your two hands, you can floss one-handed. With the gadget, don't forget.

Here's its tag line. The major punch:

"Flossing" you can handle.

Who has the energy to snap off a few inches of floss. Oh, and CLOSE THE LID. THAT's what always gets me.

As humans continue to evolve over millennium, Star Wars will rack up a successful prediction, as has so much classic sci-fi of the past.

As sentient beings resembling Jabba the Hut (SIC?) dot our city streets...

Speaking of marketing that amuses me, saw a van today emblazoned with the "Illinois Home Improv. Corp." logo. And clarifiers, like "Kitchens, basements, bathrooms..." But, I were them, I'd abbreviate the name differently.

Otherwise, I picture a bunch of wackies mugging in my kitchen, seeking visual gags with the plumbing tools rather than using them properly, asking me to "name a place, a situation"...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

The Cato Institute's director of its Project on Criminal Justice, Timothy Lynch.

I wish I knew more about him and his project. But I'll have to leave you hangin'.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/23/2004:

It's strange--politicians ain't bashin'

the flick that's caused such an outlashin'.

Though it's prompting violence

pols greet it with silence--

it's okay if Christ stirs such "Passion."

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/23/2004:

Today marks exactly THREE MONTHS AND 20 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell a co-hort; send in a touching "Daily Limerick Moment"; help my special, home-made "romantic comedy" with Meg Ryan start shooting! Just do SOMETHING, you damn slackers!...

As I wandered out of the house today, I saw a headline in a newspaper box:

"Hamas: 'War is opened.'"

What a way to start the day, knowing that war is coming to the peaceful, heaven-on-earth lifestyle of Israel...

A big gun battle erupted yesterday in the Afghan city of Herat. It all started at a book reading.

I hope somebody has called Guinness. This may be the first documented instance of actual physical action occurring at a book reading...

Syndicated "shock jock" Mancow Muller's show is the radio equivalent of a 12-year-olds' fart party--make that a 12-year-olds with poor sense of humor even for 12-year-olds' fart party--but I have to give him major points for this one:

He's turning around and suing the pathetic loser with nothing better to do who monitors the Mancow Show for still-undefined "indecency" violations and in turn refers them to the FCC.

Let's hope this becomes a trend.

By the way, the sack-of-shit with arms and legs in question is named David Edward Smith. His organization is Citizens for Community Values. He also works a day job for the Alderman of Chicago's 19th Ward, Ginger Rugai.

Thus you can easily find one of his phone numbers and/or e-mail or street addresses, if you're suddenly in the mood to start harrassin'...

The U.S. Sentencing Commission has finally decided that penalties for politicians caught taking bribes are too mild.

Therefore, it's upping the maximum sentence from 18 to 24. Er, months.

C'mon. It's not like these guys were caught doing anything endangering the American Way of Life, like listening to tunes and SMOKING POT in their basements or anything...

The government and physicians' groups are advising doctors to take special care with patients on anti-depressants, as evidence is increasingly pointing to these drugs possibly causing an increase in suicide rates.

This has been surmised for years. But, of course, all the money made from Patriotically Accepted Drugs has not only went to fill 50 percent of the nation's commercial airtime but also into the pockets of politicians. So be happy they're investigating it at all.

I wouldn't be too shocked if the drug companies spun this into a positive. After all, suicide has a way of curing depression...

Here's an announcement from the "Readings" section of the Chicago Reader:

DAVID CARTER The children's book author presents, "Let's Make it Pop Up!"

Hold it right there, Mr. Carter. You have the right to remain silent...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Sandra Banning. And she's an avowed born-again Christian.

Her schedule's completely book-ed.

And:

John Kerry's national security advisor, Rand Beers.

After all, who doesn't feel more secure after a cold one or two?

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/24/2004:

I'm used to the talk of their flubs--

lovable losers they've been dubbed--

but time's still remaining

in Goddamned Spring Training

so can we shut up 'bout the Cubs?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/24/2004:

Today marks exactly THREE MONTHS AND 19 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell a co-hort; send in a touching "Daily Limerick Moment"; help my special, home-made "romantic comedy" with Meg Ryan start shooting! Just do SOMETHING, you damn slackers!...

Tucked into a larger story about the Senate committee investigating the most important issue facing the U.S. today--being, of course, the crack-down on naughty things on TV and radio--was a brief mention of the fact that the committee almost passed a rule holding cable TV to the still-undefined "indecency" standards of the networks and all of radio.

Congress: The closest invention yet to a time machine--still being tested, of course, as so far it can only take us backward...

Whitney Houston's people have been quick to get the word out that Whitney is in rehab for PRESCRIPTION DRUGS and NOT pot and/or cocaine. To assuage the Rush to judgment, I suppose.

Because the long-time credo is undergoing modernization: Just say no to drugs, kids--but not quite as loudly for drugs that bring profits to big-time political donors...

Speaking of the still-semi-famous, Britney Spears, in Chicago for a concert that didn't happen thanks to a wounded knee, was shopping when approached by a, er, "fan," of sorts, who told her she resembled "somebody" famous.

Then, the answer came to the guy: Jessica Simpson! Right?

This undoubtedly didn't amuse Ms. Spears. But it does lend more evidence to my theory that MTV has a laboratory creating All the Rage Hot Clueless Blonde Pro Lip Synchers of Tomorrow...

There's outrage in the international community over Israel's killing of Hamas' leader.

Now, say what you will about Israel. Their law enforcement and intelligence agencies give John Ashcroft wet dreams, their treatment of Palestinians gave Strom Thurmond civil rights-related wet dreams, etc.

But, well... Hamas' stated, primary goal is the elimination of the nation of Israel. And it's not like the bong-happy, whack-job anarchist organizations in the U.S. Hamas has... Well, pick up a freakin' newspaper if you don't know!

I think what I'm feeling now is secondhand outrage...

Packages of Nestle Cocoa now carry "Nestle Cocoa Moments" on the box. Stuff like, "When my daughter won her first ice skating championship, I told her of her grandmother's ice-skating awards in front of a campfire with Nestle Cocoa."

I'm wondering why other beverages aren't following suit.

I have an inkling that "Jack Daniel's Moments," for instance, would be a helluva lot more interesting...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Professor Jack Zanville Sissors.

You don't wanna run with guys like that.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/25/2004:

During Oscars, thought crossed my head;

those tributes, to me, they misled.

One was for Bob Hope.

I feel like a dope

but must ask: Is he 'live or dead?

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/25/2004:

Today marks exactly THREE MONTHS AND 18 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell a co-hort; send in a touching "Daily Limerick Moment"; help my special, home-made "romantic comedy" with Meg Ryan start shooting! Just do SOMETHING, you damn slackers!...

Concerning today's limerick: It's true.

There was a big Bob Hope montage at the Oscars and, paying only half attention, I'm not sure if it occurred because he'd turned 100 or because he kicked the bucket.

I know I could easily surf the Internet and answer the question, but it's kinda fun not knowing. Most of my life, I've regularly asked the recurring question, "Is Bob Hope still alive?" and heard it asked. So, especially if he IS dead, it's nice to take comfort in continuing the confusion...

Scientists have announced they have finally found the Missing Link--you know, the evolutionary stage paving the way for primates to grow into humans?

But... Uh oh. Other scientists are calling this find hogwash.

Speaking of hogs, however, I hope that, when they do officially find the missing link, it's a smoky one...

I trust you are all up on the current hubbub over Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia's refusal to step down from a case involving Vice President Dick Cheney, despite the fact that Scalia and Cheney recently went on a duck-hunting trip together (albeit in a large group).

Actually, I don't trust that you schmucks are up on this. But I unwittingly explained all you need to know anyway.

So Scalia, one of the worst Supreme Court justices in history--a regular rapscalia--should most certainly recuse himself from this case. And I have an idea for a way to make him do just that.

Hang around Scalia, tossing "recuse" will-nilly into conversation. It's a fun little word--go ahead, dance around and sing-song it a while--sure to "catch" itself in Antonin's head.

Make sure and serve beans, or some other gas-inducing food and, eventually, Scalia will let out a burp or fart and accidentally say, "recuse me."

And then, of course, under the rules of immature tom foolery, there will be no turning back. He'll be off the case.

Ahem.

Well, nothing else seems to be working now does it?...

To all the mindless gossip columnists out there:

What is the difference between "On The Town" and "About Town"? And do you really need a subsection for each?...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason.

Betty A. Gooch. (Who, coincidentally, was recently arrested for defrauding numerous Chicago-area car dealerships with bad checks.)

He he. This just tickles me. And the Goochy Goochy Goo doesn't help matters.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/26/2004:

The FCC has found success

v. bad words and states of undress

not 'gainst things just mentioned

but shifting attention

from anti-Trust rules for the Press.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/26/2004:

Today marks exactly THREE MONTHS AND 17 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell a co-hort; send in a touching "Daily Limerick Moment"; help my special, home-made "romantic comedy" with Meg Ryan start shooting! Just do SOMETHING, you damn slackers!...

I was reading today about how John Belushi is finally receiving his star on the controversially important Hollywood Walk of Fame and the thought occurred to me:

Britney Spears ALREADY has HER star.

Wait? Did I write CONTROVERSIALLY important?...

Donald Trump, as you've probably heard, is trying to copyright the phrase, "You're Fired!"

And such a unique and Trumpy phrase it is, too.

First, some of us were thinking, "What's up with The Donald? Why hasn't he been in the limelight lately?"

Now, some of us are thinking, "Okay, Donald, you can get out of the limelight again"...

A sign on one of those Koala-whatever-the-hell baby changing stations in a men's room: "Do not leave baby unattended."

Now, who in the hell... Ahem.

It's been awhile, so I'd like to take this moment to say, "Thank you, lawyers"...

I've been reading lately about the attempts of Science to explain the fact that people, and other species, get friskier in the Spring.

Many factors are mentioned in these stories. But, perhaps as a sign that scientists in general need to get out a bit more, one factor curiously overlooked is the increase in flesh bared to the world.

I know that I'm certainly extra frisky these days. (By the way, ask for Extra Frisky at your local KFC--and tell 'em Slappin' and Yappin' sent ya'!) <- Ahem.

Took a bus downtown for some errands and, damn! Give me Viagra in the Spring and I'd be mountin' the toaster oven...

Here's the lead from a story in today's Chicago Sun-Times:

"For most of us, exploring the crevices of one's life before an audience night after night for a month would be akin to hell on earth."

Now, I am not going to rip into this writer, or the Sun-Times, on this matter. In fact, it is a fine, fine lead.

But, returning to the sentence: For most of us, certainly. For enough of us? Not quite, judging by the number of one-man shows in theater listings...

I've been writing speeches on a freelance basis lately. "Anonymous" speeches--meant to be used as a template by a speech-seeker--for some business Web site.

But it raises the question:

What if I am employed somewhere someday and I hear a boss giving one of MY speeches?

Well, I guess I'll just sit there surprised, I suppose.

Interesting thought, but what a stupid question...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Kathleen Smiles (a marketing pro).

When Kathleen no longer Smiles, she's history in the industry.

And:

John Pappalardo.

He's gonna be PISSED when McDonald's stops Super-Sizing.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/27/2004:

Corn Syrup! Now THAT's why we're fat!

Real reasons are simple--old hat:

We consume like gators

but live like potaters

but lawyers... They can't work with THAT.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/27/2004:

Today marks exactly THREE MONTHS AND 16 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell a co-hort; send in a touching "Daily Limerick Moment"; help my special, home-made "romantic comedy" with Meg Ryan start shooting! Just do SOMETHING, you damn slackers!...

We've all seen those photojournalistically lousy photos that accompany news stories of mergers. There's always two greying white guys in suits, usually shaking hands, by some podium and microphone, one or both sporting an "And next, I'll RULE THE WORLD mooohoohahahah!" look in their eyes.

A news story on terrorism the other day reminded me that, at one point, Egyptian Islamic Jihad merged with al-Qaida. (I think they were a bit jealous of the evil  exhibited by mergers like AOL-Time Warner and ABC-Disney.)

The photo accompanying the terror-merger story somehow... Well, didn't frighten me as much.

I guess it's because guys like Eisner don't have to sneak past security and remain on the move to avoid military capture or assassination. In fact, they're welcomed and encouraged in their plotting.

In many, many ways.

By the way, we're now donating a portion of our, er, "proceeds" to charity here at DL. Specifically, the Foundation for B-Rate Pundits Having Trouble Coming Up With Witty Closers to Cheezy Nuggets...

Mmmm. Cheezy nuggets.

******

SUNDAY DAILY LIMERICK 3/28/2004:

Many cheered when Don Trump was hired.

Back in Limelight, quipping, "You're Fired!"

Says he owns the phrase;

reminder: he's crazed!

So of Trump, we're once again tired.

***

Daily Limerick: Chicken Soup for the Hole!

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/28/2004:

Today marks exactly THREE MONTHS AND 15 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell a friend; send in a touching "Daily Limerick Moment"; help my special, home-made "romantic comedy" with Meg Ryan start shooting! Just do SOMETHING, you damn slackers!...

Inside... THIS ISSUE: The "Porn on Ice" project begins its planning stages; and Sunday Story Time caps with the announcement of a new "Reader Write-In" feature for you to (naturally) ignore! Oh, and there's more on today's factually correct (as always) limerick tucked into our SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" ERECTION COVERAGE! It's all here--and more--in DAILY LIMERICK!...

Don't worry. I'm not going to take up even more e-space by making the "Inside..." box a regular feature. Well, I'll consider it for Sundays, I suppose...

Oh, and how do you like the Marketing Catch-Phrase leading the whole Super Sunday Edition off?...

Come to think of it, I'll just ask one of my cats the same question. They're just as likely to give an answer, ya' screwtoads...

The TV Grid in your newspaper is your friend. It gives you a short "heads up" description of the topic(s) to be featured on your favorite shows.

For instance, tonight, Entertainment Tonight will feature "Hollywood Buzz."

Consider tuning in; it's not often that ET focuses on "Hollywood Buzz"...

By the way, is Cinemax is showing the 2003 movie, "Accidental Stripper" tonight, which has me perplexed. How'd THEY know what would happen at the Super Bowl this year?...

Saw an ad for "Lord of the Rings" collectors plates.

Didn't think there would be a market. But, hey, I'm just biding my time until they release the Signature WWE Christmas Village...

It's time for a special Daily Limerick Mediocrity in Journalism that Appears as Excellence Because the Field Generally Sucks Ass Award!

The envelope, please... And the winner is:

Associated Press reporter Sara El Deeb, for her correct use of the adverb "hopefully" this week.

Stay tuned to Daily Limerick! At this rate, we'll have another award ceremony before our Tenth Anniversary!...

SPECIAL "PULL-OUT" ERECTION COVERAGE...

For some reason, the Bush Administration is refusing to have National Security Advisor Condolezza Rice testify. Well, at least not under oath for the commission investigating 9-11. Although she's welcome to yap to the press and to speak PRIVATELY with the commission.

Okay, to be honest, the administration has given a reason. "Separation of powers."

As I said, for SOME reason, Rice isn't going to testify but... Here's a run-down on what "Separation of Powers" means:

It's one of the major tenets structuring our Constitution, that there be this "Separation of Powers" to prevent any one wing of government from becoming too powerful. There's the "Executive Branch," which includes the president, but to keep him from getting to make all the decisions, he has to work with the "Legislative Branch," mainly Congress, to make laws and such, and then there's the "Judicial Branch," judges and such, to interpret the laws that are enacted and to also sometimes decide that a law just ain't right under our Constitution.

So, I guess, if Condi testifies, that will... Er, involve someone from the Executive Branch in a Legislative Branch decision and... Well, okay, if Condi DOES speak, that will leave the Judicial Branch out of things and they'll be sad and... Perhaps someone from the administration can help out here:

Of the difference between public and private testimony, here's White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan: "I don't know necessarily what the difference is."

Hmmm.

Okay, how about the opinion of White House Counsel Alberto Gonzales? He says that, in order for presidents to get candid advice from their advisers, "it is important that these advisers not be compelled to testify publicly."

Ahhh. Because, of course, you can't make a politician speak "candidly" willy-nilly. Long-time work habits such as bullshitting can't be interfered with TOO much, being a Bona Fide Occupational Qualification and all...

Speaking of the Party in Power--although, in all honesty, Bill Clinton and his congressional Dems don't have clean hands regarding this either--you're perhaps aware of the GOP push to deregulate pretty much everything.

One of the many industries deregulated fairly recently was the cable industry.

Now, many, if not most, regions of the country don't even have a choice in cable providers.

We were told that deregulation would lead the Free Market to work its magic in keeping cable prices down.

Now, prominent Republicans in Congress, prompted by public outcry, are threatening to legislate cable companies into reasonable rates.

Which, by the way, would be a form of government regulation of the cable industry.

Hmm.

The more things change, the more we all still get screwed...

Speaking of deregulation, I've been closely following the fate of my personal choice in newspapers, the Chicago Sun-Times as... Well, there's a helluva confusing story behind it, but suffice it to say that it is for sale, along with the other papers owned by its conglomerate, but the sale is a bit difficult because "things" are still in court.

Anyway, it seems that the London Telegraph is the major attraction to prospective buyers of Hollinger, which owns the Sun-Times.

The Sun-Times? Small potatoes.

Little fact: The Chicago Sun-Times is still one of the Top 20 newspapers in America, by circulation.

So if a Top 20 paper in the country's third largest city isn't so important, you gotta wonder about the "unbiased," "locally concerned" nature of the offerings in, say, Omaha or Boise...

But, just a reminder, the FCC is concerned with FURTHER deregulating the media. But, hey, preventing stray nipples is still more important...

Speaking of the FCC, did you ever wonder why Howard Stern gets in so much trouble for showing lesbians in action but nobody's chastising the LPGA?...

As is this special section's usual habit, after bashing one team of partisan morons, I feel an obligation to remind you that the "other" side is a bunch of morons themselves. (You take it from there in deciding which platform of moronity frightens you the least.)

Just guess which special interest of the Democrats is alluded to in this March 26 photo-caption (which just happens to be more succinct than its story's headline):

"High fructose corn syrup may be the biggest reason for a spurt in obesity."

If you answered "lawyers," you win a prize! And if you got it wrong, it's probably somebody else's fault and you can sue 'em over it!...

Oh, and speaking of lawyers, here's just another mini-cog in the Grand Machine of Evil Lawyers Do:

Volunteer Antoinette Wilda is currently awaiting sentencing after being convicted of bilking a Chicago-area chapter of Mothers Against Drunk Driving out of major dough.

Her lawyer's plea for leniency? She only took the money because she suffered depression over he son's death.

Her son, by the way, was killed be a drunk driver, which is why she became involved in MADD and... Well, do you think we can ever thank 'em enough?...

And, lest we forget, it's also time to take a look at how both schools of partisan moronity are screwing us while we argue about which moronity is better (which, actually, points to the theory that maybe the partisans AREN'T the real morons after all):

Read today that it costs about $9,000 for an individual school to drug test students. (Not sure if that's just athletes/after-school activity participants, or the general student population.)

Some of these schools, too, complain of insufficient funds to even purchase up-to-date schoolbooks.

In predominant theory, if a government policy finds continued and often untenable expenses continually springing up to thwart its enforcement, a wise government seriously considers radically altering that policy.

However, the world has yet to invent a "wise government"...

And in speaking, some might say blathering, of partisanship as an inside joke intended to screw us all, here's asswipe Chicago Alderman Edward Burke's idea of "public service."

There's currently a hubbub in Chicago over Wal-Mart, which wants to open a store in the city--the suburbs are already lousy with 'em--and is having difficulties over union protests and such. Well, an extra reason Burke gave for not wanting Wal-Mart (which, by the way, I'm not a big fan of, but that's not the point) is that the company donates heavily to the GOP and "Chicago is a Democratic town."

Again, I'm not gonna weep if there's no Wal-Mart in my city.

But it just goes to show you the politician's true priorities--Dem or GOP--and keep that in mind with EVERYTHING, including the current investigation of 9-11:

Party before the people.

Don't believe it? Bend over, drop 'em, and lube up, my friend...

This final nugget in the special erection section doesn't bash "either" sided, but instead serves as a reminder as to why, despite all the moronity, you should still make sure and vote (and consider participating in the other process through other means, too):

Today, the "World" section of the newspaper is the section where I'll most likely take more time in reading its stories.

On Sept. 10, 2001, my ingrained habit was to spend the LEAST amount of time reading stories from the "World" section of my newspaper...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Whitney Poor.

Keeps calling her local GOP office, but nobody's returning calls.

And:

Ruth B. Fine.

And I B. Lookinather...

Sunday Story Time: The Celebrity Fetish

Unlike most of the nation (and perhaps world), I don't have much of a celebrity fetish. If anything, I have a reverse fetish, which is arguably almost as bad, for bashing celebrities. Which I guess is common, as well, as we seem to have a love-hate relationship with them. Yet in most of us, either the "love" or "hate" side is predominant and I believe I am much more firmly grounded in the "hate" camp. Although "hate" is perhaps too strong a word but... Ahem.

In short, where many guys may be likely to say, for example, "Damn I'd like to bang that Catherine Zeta-Jones," I'm more likely to say, for example, "Damn I'd like to do that chick in leg warmers I saw on the bus today!" That is, not only do I believe that celebrities are, by their nature, no more interesting or talented than the average schmo, and not necessarily more attractive, either. (We just spend a lot of time watching them and they're always "done up" for the cameras.)

However, this does not mean I would refuse a roll in the hay with Ms. Jones, or Ms. Zeta, or Ms. Zeta-Jones--however the particulars of her annoying nomenclature hyphenation play out.

Lately, however, thanks in large part to the Internet, I've been living with a greater celebrity fetish than is typical. In case you haven't noticed.

Lately? My Celebrity Fetish Jones has been focused on Michelle Kwan. Oh, and Kristen Dunst, too. Oh, and the Meg Ryan fetish kicked in again, too, in just finding out that she was in "The Doors." And... Ahem.

I don't know why. But it'll change, soon. (And, by the way, the standing head is about to change for a new month, which, at this time, fills you in on the object of my possibly misguided celebrity lust.)

That's pretty much the story, but there are also a couple "points" it brings up.

Number one, perhaps Michelle Kwan's career is reaching a point where I can book her for "Porn on Ice." (Tanya Harding is pretty much a given, too. So you can see how this idea is really finally coming together. In my imagination, anyway.)

Number two, I'm taking the opportunity to introduce a new Reader Write-In feature (optimistically speaking, of course). I'm continually sharing with you, so it's time for readers to write in and answer the question:

If you were just a wee bit nuttier, Who Would You Stalk?

C'mon! The answer's lurking somewhere in your brain!

***

MIKE'S ACCURSED VERSE 3/28/2004:

A SPECIAL SUNDAY EXTRA SECTION

(IN BLAZING COLOR... IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT JUST RIGHT)

BY MIKE "BOOM" CHMIELECKI

TODAY'S POEM: Arachnodactyly

Fibrillin-1 has been disrupted.

Long limb bones resultant are longer.

The white-cold seed

that life expectancy

is quite possibly 60.

Another reason I love Lori:

she calls pectus excavatum

my "dippy."

She rests her head there,

heavy lidded.

And in mid-morning,

with the light burning,

what arachnodactyly brings.

A poetry lives

in "mitral valve prolapse."

What should be "yes"

from atrium to ventricle

is instead a "maybe"

(at least it's not "no").

One conversation

my body holds.

Fifty milligrams of atenolol a day.

Ever beta-blocked, I was diagnosed young.

Nerve impulses threatened are lessened,

the body's workload eased and slowed.

No wonder I lose basic connections

of sentences to verse's pull.

But I will never come to peace

seeing my heart on ECG.

That black-gray life-ghost jumping and pushing

against the lab monitor screen.

I always thought the sound in the room

-- the sound of my heart --

was sampled and alien,

a sucking ocean, a queasy-queer tide.

I cannot study myself with dispassion.

I do not know the precise dilation

of my aortic root, nor do I want it.

Nor will I seek communal solace

in a support group for mutant genes.

I'll leave the particulars to the doctors.

With Lori, I'll love, trust and confide.

That's why I cherish her above all others.

She makes me feel as normal as you.

[If you'd like to physically thank or berate the poet, e-mail him at b_squirrel@hotmail.com. He won't bite--although he may chew a bit.]

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/29/2004:

DL's not mentioned Jayson Blair

while he's in the Media Glare.

Those trying fame leaps

off bein' big creeps--

it's best to pretend they're not there.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/29/2004:

Today marks exactly THREE MONTHS AND 14 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell a co-hort; send in a touching "Daily Limerick Moment"; help my special, home-made "romantic comedy" with Meg Ryan start shooting! Just do SOMETHING, you damn slackers!...

I read today that Howard Stern has chosen "Ya'll Want a Single," a tune by Korn as his theme song of sorts as his FCC troubles play out. The song has a strong anti-media consolidation theme and is especially hard on record companies and Clear Channel.

You see, Clear Channel was one of Stern's conglomerate syndicates. Until The Nipple, The Crack-Down and Clean Channel's taking Howard Stern of the air for its stations.

Now, I "gave up" on Stern a long time ago. For many reasons. He's "shocking" but not especially funny; being a long-time Chicago radio listener, I know first-hand that he's not quite the pioneer that he presents himself as... There are many reasons, but the the relevant one to this nugget, is some of his politics. Specifically, as a "conservative" on many non-social issues, he's been rather vocal about his pro media de-regulation attitude.

I've heard him go on about it--more than once. About how those desiring more media regulation are "wimps" who can't put together a good enough show to compete with the likes of his, which is only syndicated and all over the place because of his Greatness, of course.

That wasn't what caused me to stop tuning in. Let's just say that reasons continued to accumulate.

I'm tuning into Stern again, occasionally, as a way of supporting his battle with Big Mother. I've changed my mind radically on many issues myself over the years but... Well, of course, the major changes came as I entered my mid-20s and began to get a clue but... Well, a fair-weather activist is better than an inactivist...

Read today about how teens undergoing stomach-stapling operations as a means of combating obesity is becoming a full-fledged trend.

Life imitating art is SOOO last century.

I've been bitching for a long time about how "reality" TV is somehow even less real than sitcoms, but I won't be able to do it for long.

As life now imitates "reality" TV...

From a weekend story about unscrupulous consumer debt-management services:

"Consumers who are approached by a debt collector should ask for proof that they owe the money and check out the collection agency before they pay."

Proof that they owe the money.

Now, I don't know about you, but if someone says I owe money I... Anyway, I thought newspapers generally shot to be at a sixth-grade reading level, not a second-grade reading level.

Oh, that's right. Perhaps they're adjusting for the state of public education.

Aw, what's the use? Who the hell cares about the education system when the cost of gas is up?...

For that matter, who the hell cares about the education system when the cost of gas ISN'T up?...

There's a bill in the Illinois legislature to change the legal age of gun ownership from 21 to 18.

Thus, currently in Illinois, at 18 you can die for your country, see R-rated movies, be held legally accountable for your debts, be tried as an adult in a court of law (and perhaps you've already had that right since 14) and your parents can throw you out with absolutely no responsibility for your well-being.

But you can't handle a drink. Or porn. Or a gun--well, you can't shoot cans in the backyard or go duck hunting, but you can use the gun to kill Iraqis and such.

But, of course, having a standard definition for adulthood would just cause a clamor for all sorts of silly definitions. Like a pesky, non-arbitrary "indecency" standard, and that's just for starters...

I've been reading about police officers finding a growing problem with the proliferation of DVD players in automobiles. They are pulling over more and more drivers actually watching movies and such WHILE DRIVING.

Well... Duh.

However, there is no talk of banning DVD players from the front seats of cars. There is a long legal precedent of one's home being one's "castle"--meaning, for example, that cops must take more care in going after possible crimes occurring in one's home that for those on the street. And, of course, some of that precedent applies to one's automobile.

Then I thought about the precedent as it applies to drug testing.

But, c'mon! One's physical body is a sacred thing and all but it's not like the auto industry has much of an interest in its sanctity or anything...

There's a new... Er, I almost wrote "trend," but I'm hoping it hasn't went that far.

But whom am I kidding?

Anyway, it's called "movieoke." People go to bars or what have you and re-enact their favorite scenes from film.

I told you we needed to lump karaoke into the Axis of Evil early on, and nobody listened.

Then again, being inducted in the Axis of Evil doesn't have much practical effect on an entity unless it DOESN'T possess Weapons of Mass Destruction, and what is karaoke but one giant cultural WMD?...

Speaking of cultural terrorism, I found it interesting that an upcoming Disney California Adventure ride will be called, "Tower of Terror."

Well, al-Qaida nailed the Trade Center, but you gotta admit that Disney gets most of the credit for copyright law...

Laughing at Strangers for No Real Good Reason:

Reporter Thomas Frisbie.

You'll never be able to call that man a "has-been." A "Has-bro," maybe, but not a "has-been."

And:

Barry Sample, director of science and technology at Qwest Diagnostics, a prominent drug-testing firm.

Impressive title. He must be a real whiz.

And:

U.S. Rep. Jim DeMint (R-S.C.).

The Cream de la Crème.

And:

Dennis Hope, founder of a company selling land on the moon.

He he. Is he still alive? Oh. Wrong Hope.

And:

Wilfred Schmaltz.

I'm not sure, but I THINK he's better known as "Clay Aiken."

***

LETTERS TO THE IDIOT 3/29/2004:

> Expansive, cogent and much appreciated insights into the political process

> and the celebrity machine in this Sunday's edition, John. But, as usual, the

> numbnuts side of my brain found "screwtoads!" to be the thing that sticks

> with me the most.

>

> Heh heh. "Screwtoads."

> An Idiot

Geez, I'm really sorry about that. I don't understand why the FCC hasn't ALREADY come after me.

I honestly didn't mean to be "cogent"--or, of course, to offer "insights."

It was a content malfunction. Won't happen again.

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/30/2004:

The day Ireland's smoke-free draws near;

like New York, no cigs e'en with beer!

While e'en CDC

gave up, quietly

on the secondhand smoke and mirrors.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/30/2004:

Today marks exactly THREE MONTHS AND 13 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell a co-hort; send in a touching "Daily Limerick Moment"; help my special, home-made "romantic comedy" with Meg Ryan start shooting! Just do SOMETHING, you damn slackers!...

Okay, now. If one is a homosexual, it is not a matter of "choice," but of sexual orientation, correct? Huh? Yes, correct! And the Media needs to stop making things like this sound like a "controversy" when there's not a lick of evidence to support any other conclusion.

All right. But let's admit that the above stated philosophy is considered "liberal." I know, I know--plenty of people who'd label themselves "conservative" would still call homosexuality sexual orientation and not a "choice," but, really, the labels haven't meant much for quite some time--and we don't need to get into addressing stuff like, oh, how "liberals" value social freedoms unless the freedom happens to be smoking or how "conservatives" are all for "Small Government" unless it relates to arbitrarily declared "naughty" word use--so bear with me here, okay?

However, under "liberal" thinking, a child molester should be the recipient of "treatment," not punishment. Because, evidently, a non-politically correct sexual orientation is actually not a sexual orientation but... A choice? Or a disorder?

However, "conservatives," while they radically disagree on the pedophilia manner, having a hard time understanding any lifestyle other than their own being something other than "immoral choice," might as well agree. Because prisons are a place for drug offenders. Hopefully, mostly young African-American ones.

So... Again, why do I bother?

Say no to partisan; say yes to Parmesan!...

Laughing at Strangers (and Strange... Vehicles?) For No Real Good Reason:

Elizabeth A. Orphan.

The reasons she's lonely are a-parent.

And:

The U.S.S. Wasp.

The aircraft carrier equivalent of a mini-van?

******

DAILY LIMERICK 3/31/2004:

From "kara-" to, now, "movieoke,"

our culture grows more and more hokey.

Us humorists fear

the line's too unclear

'tween what's just life and what's a jokey.

***

SLAPPIN' AND YAPPIN' 3/31/2004:

Today marks exactly THREE MONTHS AND 12 DAYS until the Daily Limerick's Fifth Birthday--and thus five freakin' years of limericks and more!

Tell a co-hort; send in a touching "Daily Limerick Moment"; help my special, home-made "romantic comedy" with Meg Ryan start shooting! Just do SOMETHING, you damn slackers!...

As long as the FCC is digging up things to do (in order to take the focus off its Conglomeration Fascination), can they look into possible laws to curb the prevalence of Hollywood remakes?

I mean, if we're stuck operating on the assumption that "the First Amendment is Sooo Last Century," can't we at least tackle something that TRULY threatens our culture?...

There is a law being hotly debated in the Illinois Congress to expunge certain criminal arrests--for prostitution, non-violent drug offenses, etc.--from the records of former offenders who've done their time, probation, court-related requirements, etc.

"Hotly debated," I guess, because it's quite "controversial" to let such people get on with their lives, get jobs, etc., so that they don't end up resorting to prostitution, drug sales, etc. as the only means of making a living.

Then again, whom do these former offenders think they are? Politicians?...

First shilling for Visa and now... Pizza Hut?

If you don't follow the news, you'd never guess that Disney recently bought the rights to the Muppets, now, would you?...

Massoud Shadjareh, Chair of Islam Human Rights Commission, had a strange reaction to England's recent crack-down on wannabe terrorists: "The Muslim community is being demonized by these events," he said.

Shit! Was it really worth it, then, to arrest eight people with al-Qaida ties and confiscate a half-ton of explosives?...

Man, are those Arabs backwards!

Oh, shut up. I'm not talking about government models that otherwise went out of fashion around 1600 or self-flagellation, so cool your P.C. heels!

I'm talking about the fact that they believe WOMEN should have their skin covered, face to ankle.

As spring makes it way into Chicago, I'd have a lot more respect for a new religion that makes MEN keep themselves covered up. Damn gay neighborhood I live in!...

By the way, speaking of the oft-primitive ways of Mid-Eastern governments, what happened to all those "liberals" complaining about the plight of women under Taliban and Talibanesque rule in the Mid-East? You know, those claiming we just turned a blind eye to Afghanistan? The complaints seem to have died off sometime around, oh, I don't know--September of 2001, I think? Something like that? It's as if the U.S. attacked a country and, consulting their "Hierarchy of Protest Topics," the sex discrimination no longer mattered so much and... Hmm...

Speaking of men having to cover up in public, at least in some pundit's screwy Fantasy Land, I once had a theory--well, actually, I've never fully discounted it--that gay men have eye problems because, c'mon, as anyone can see, men are ugly and women are hot.

You don't hear old sayings like, "clothes make the WOMAN." And if a woman runs naked down a city street during business hours, it causes a lot of smiles--but if a man does, the authorities are notified and blood-curdling screams fill the air. Not to mention that it's pretty much only women who prefer sex with the lights out and... Whoops! I'm getting into a different topic altogether.

Of course, in theorizing that gays have eye problems, I'm dangerously linking homosexuality to a form of "disorder." Which isn't good. (But, for the record, even if some study tomorrow discovers that "eye problems" explain homosexuality, I'll still be all "let gays marry," etc., etc. But would that mean that lesbians have especially GOOD eyesight? I'll stop the second digression NOW.)

So I'll revise this old theory: Gay men's brains have a different, er, visual ORIENTATION or something that causes them to find the naturally ugly attractive.

Or maybe I'm the one with the "problem," specifically concerning that section of my brain that's supposed to keep certain thoughts INSIDE my head...

A fashion feature in the newspaper informs me that pink is now "in" for men!

Nice try, marketing folks...

Oh, and nice try with the "metrosexual trend," too...

And while I'm at it, you're wasting a whole lot of money advertising Nivea for Men on pizza boxes.

You may want to get back to me if I ever come down with skin cancer, however, and thus sorta consider the idea of a skin moisturizer, at least if my doctor recommends it...

In recent months, I've stumbled upon an exciting trend.

In perusing sex advice columnist entries, and features of a similar nature, I've noted that a recent trend in "couples counseling" type stuff is advising women in relationships to consider giving their men more sex.

Really.

The reasons? For one, now they're saying (or should I say "realizing") that sex is to a guy what cuddling/intimacy is to a woman. And that a man is much more likely to clean up after himself, listen to her prattle on about her day, etc., if he's gettin' more. And this reasoning is bringing all sorts of delightful auxiliary advice like, oh, "maybe you don't feel like sex, but once you start, usually you'll find that you enjoy it."

Again, I'm not talking about one article or column. Or even two. This is a downright trend!

Really.

In fact, I read a review of Dr. Laura's new book that taps into this philosophy and, believe it or not, although Laura gets the typical (deserved) literary beating for most of her ideas, the avowed feminist writer actually AGREES on this point!

However, for those of you heavily into the "you gotta suffer to write" philosophy, don't you worry about DL losing his general curmudgeon nature just yet.

But seeing these trends even "in theory" is, nonetheless, a milestone worth marking.

***

Visit SLOOP CENTRAL: http://home.earthlink.net/~sloop49

***

In July of 1999, one month before the All Limerick Slam at the 1999 National Poetry Slam festivities, I was bitten by a radioactive Leprechaun and the Daily Limerick was born. Suddenly, my path in life became clear. I was born to be a crusader for uncensored truth, justice and Limerick! Actually, I wanted to get an AUDIENCE for the Limerick Slam I'd be hosting, but I was so amazed at the lack of enthusiasm for the project that I thought I'd send a Daily Limerick indefinitely! Plus, I won the Limerick Slam accidentally and wanted to give something back to the Limerick Community! (Not too much, as there was no prize in it for me!) (And what the hell is the "Limerick Community" anyway?) I then committed to at least a year of the limericks--a milestone I've already passed a few times! At this point, I'm not entirely sure why I'm continuing this, but I have no definite plans to stop--so perhaps I'll do this for the rest of my life, if we have enough "subscribers"!

In late 2000, I added the "Slappin' and Yappin'" section of commentary to the endeavor. I've been a humor writer since...well, almost since birth, I had an award-winning humor column in high school and college, I write for and interned at MAD Magazine, I've occasionally sold a column or op-ed here or there, but I've had no legitimate home for the things--hence, "Slappin' and Yappin'." Soon, the "Letters to the Idiot" section followed and, in 2002, we decided to beef-up the Sunday edition, just like the Big Boys, by adding outside contributor Mike Chmielecki's poetry with "Mike's Accursed Verse."

We'll probably keep on mutating from here!

By the way, I guarantee QUANTITY in limericks--one a day. I do not guarantee QUALITY in limericks.

***

If you want to be on Sloop Biederman's e-list for comedy, sketch and/or poetic performances (in Chicago, Los Angeles, miscellaneous street corners or elsewhere), let me know!

***

(c)1999-2004 John "Sloop" Biederman. All Rights Reserved.

 

Send your own Letter to the Idiot and/or e-mail Sloop! (And attach sexy pics, if you insist. Sigh.)

 

Web Site Sections:

Daily Limerick/ Daily Limerick Archives/ For Advertisers/ Sloop Central (& Stand-Up Poem of the Month)/ Biederman’s Books/ Sloop Services/ Links

 

Spread the Daily Limerick word! The oral way works best!

P.S.—We’re seeking advertisers—and we’ll take porn and tobacco ads!

(c)1999-2013 John "Sloop" Biederman. All Rights Reserved.